Wouldn't you know the first one of these things I have to do is about money? In my quest to do whatever Oprah says, I find myself having to do whatever financial strongwoman Suze Orman says, and I hate this kind of thing. I hate money. I like spending it, sure, but ever since my father told a store clerk to deliberately shortchange me, so as to teach me a lesson about being careless with money -- really sucked the joy out of my little-girl shopping spree, let me tell ya -- I've resented any scolding authority figure harping on financial responsiblity. Besides, I'm no good with numbers. I don't want to add and subtract. But on Wednesday's show (Feb. 13), Oprah called it "financial suicide" not to face the facts and figures of one's financial reality, and so I must.
Suze Orman seems in some ways to be a lot like Oprah -- sharp and no-bullshit -- but meaner and with better math SATs. If I were Suze Orman's best friend, would she let me copy her algebra? Doubt it. Anyway on Wednesday's "Oprah," Suze was brought in to help out Sylvia, recently widowed and left to fend for her four young kids by a spiteful jerk who quit paying the bills, the mortgage, and his life insurance premiums right before offing himself in the garage. Sylvia never thought she and her husband would have money problems, even though he was aggressively shopaholic. She was too, it turns out, her large house filled to busting with oddball bricbrac and jeans bought on credit.
Suze began with a quick tally: On the day after the suicide, Sylvia had $72 in her checking account, but no savings, no piggybank change squirreled around the house, no retirement fund. She still owed $352,000 on the house and had a home equity line of credit close to $100,000. Her credit card debt was about $17,000, and the late husband's was maybe $40,000.
So what did Suze have Sylvia do first? Wash her face. I told you Suze was mean. It's going to be hard enough to face the girm reality of being left broke and broken by an abusive asshole, but now this woman's supposed to face it on TV without lipstick? That struck me as excessive.. Nonetheless I took myself to the sink and removed my own makeup. I don't care what Suze Orman says. We aren't prettier without it.
Suze then sat Sylvia down at the kitchen table with a big stack of bills, breaking them down by category. Just to keep the household going, it's going to cost her almost five grand a month, not counting gasoline and food. She had auto insurance but no medical, dental or disability for herself (perhaps none for the kids, either). Suze sent a chill down my spine by saying, "If we asked the women in this audience how much it actually costs them per month to live, it's probably $1,500 to $3,000 more (than they think )." This forced me to sit down with my own stack of bills. Turns out my total monthly expenses are even HIGHER than Sylvia's. Crap.
Then Suze recommended Sylvia sell her five-bedroom mini-manse and move to a one-bedroom apartment. Astonishingly she made it sound like it would be good for them all. I wonder when the last time Suze had to share a bathroom with a young boy. My own son has a knack for making any bathroom less hygienic than a Mobil station men's room.
Suze Orman seems in some ways to be a lot like Oprah -- sharp and no-bullshit -- but meaner and with better math SATs. If I were Suze Orman's best friend, would she let me copy her algebra? Doubt it. Anyway on Wednesday's "Oprah," Suze was brought in to help out Sylvia, recently widowed and left to fend for her four young kids by a spiteful jerk who quit paying the bills, the mortgage, and his life insurance premiums right before offing himself in the garage. Sylvia never thought she and her husband would have money problems, even though he was aggressively shopaholic. She was too, it turns out, her large house filled to busting with oddball bricbrac and jeans bought on credit.
Suze began with a quick tally: On the day after the suicide, Sylvia had $72 in her checking account, but no savings, no piggybank change squirreled around the house, no retirement fund. She still owed $352,000 on the house and had a home equity line of credit close to $100,000. Her credit card debt was about $17,000, and the late husband's was maybe $40,000.
So what did Suze have Sylvia do first? Wash her face. I told you Suze was mean. It's going to be hard enough to face the girm reality of being left broke and broken by an abusive asshole, but now this woman's supposed to face it on TV without lipstick? That struck me as excessive.. Nonetheless I took myself to the sink and removed my own makeup. I don't care what Suze Orman says. We aren't prettier without it.
Suze then sat Sylvia down at the kitchen table with a big stack of bills, breaking them down by category. Just to keep the household going, it's going to cost her almost five grand a month, not counting gasoline and food. She had auto insurance but no medical, dental or disability for herself (perhaps none for the kids, either). Suze sent a chill down my spine by saying, "If we asked the women in this audience how much it actually costs them per month to live, it's probably $1,500 to $3,000 more (than they think )." This forced me to sit down with my own stack of bills. Turns out my total monthly expenses are even HIGHER than Sylvia's. Crap.
Then Suze recommended Sylvia sell her five-bedroom mini-manse and move to a one-bedroom apartment. Astonishingly she made it sound like it would be good for them all. I wonder when the last time Suze had to share a bathroom with a young boy. My own son has a knack for making any bathroom less hygienic than a Mobil station men's room.
Suze then hauled in Sylvia's family and challenged them to help her with money (not loans), babysitting and even cooking while she gets back on her feet. You need one tough broad to convince people it's a "privilege" to help a down-and-out relative. I wonder how many homeless there'd be if Suze was around to bully the derelict's loved ones into lending a hand.
But Suze won me over by offering her book, "Women and Money," with its chapter on how to save your own life financially, absolutely FREE for a limited time via Oprah.com. Oprah says the offer comes right from Suze's heart. But only until 5 p.m., Pacific Time, Feb. 14. Then Suze's heart goes right back to covering up her algebra homework.
But Suze won me over by offering her book, "Women and Money," with its chapter on how to save your own life financially, absolutely FREE for a limited time via Oprah.com. Oprah says the offer comes right from Suze's heart. But only until 5 p.m., Pacific Time, Feb. 14. Then Suze's heart goes right back to covering up her algebra homework.
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