Horton is Heaven

"I am heaven," Jim Carrey says, between farts and pretending to spray his scent on Oprah's furniture. That's his motto: "I am heaven." He's a strange duck, switching on a dime from borderline scary zaniosity to Beautiful Person Deep Thoughts. Oprah had him on Monday to promote his new movie, "Horton Hears a Who." "It's so metaphysical, " Oprah raved. "It made me want to take a look at all the Dr. Seusses. Deeeeep." So, in keeping with my goal of doing whatever Oprah says, I went back and looked at many Seusses, and they are deep. I started with the one about the Grinch, also played in the movies by Jim Carrey, and I kinda remember thinking the movie made the Who's seem a little less than lovely. They looked weird, for one thing, and they were kind of competitive and materialistic, as I recall. All that crazy stuff about who's got the best Christmas lights? That wasn't in the book. I hope the Who's'll be portrayed this time as the virtuous little beings they are. I also looked at a Seuss you don't often hear so much about, "Happy Birthday to You," which has this great part that says, "Eat whatever you want. Today no one tells you you cawnt or you shawnt. If you wish, you may eat with both hands and both feet. So get in there and munch. Have a big muncheroo! Today is your birthday! Today you are you!" Take that, Dr. Oz.

No problem for me to share Oprah's adoration of Carol Burnett. I've got massive love for Carol Burnett. She took out a patron in my high school yearbook, which shouldn't be my best high school memory, but is.

Oprah's got respect for Steve Carell, too, which is very modern of her. He's so modern. Post-modern. I saw him once buying a bunch of junk food at 7-11, which is post-healthy. But he makes it work.

Hey, the next show is the blue guy! I bet Jim Carrey's still weirder.